HG Part 3: Holding the divine
Updated: May 14, 2020
'Amy feeling a bit emotional. Feels she has been pregnant forever.
Just wants it over.
She is sick of feeling sick.
Reassured her it will end.'
Taken directly from my midwives notes, one hour before my baby girl slides earthside.
In early labour, tears flow.
The relentlessness of pregnancy.
A pregnancy that has asks everything of me. More.
Once active labour establishes, I am home.
The feel of a labour progressing is sweet heaven.
In active labour, I can do something.
Finally able to harness my power and guide myself out of this mess.
I birth her. And in an instant, I am healed.
I hold her. The relief etched into my face.
Relief from the big work of a labour triumphed, sure.
But more deeply, it's the relief of knowing that this sweet sweet babe has made it to life.
That she survived.
That I survived.
And that it has finally finally ended.
The endless struggle had amounted to this - the ultimate and divine creation of her.
Holding her is holding the divine
In one moment, despair 'to be without hope' becomes divine 'touching a god'.
What a trade up.
The biggest single shift life could offer I am sure.
The wretched pit of my stomach becomes a well for the sweetest nectar.
Within hours of our birth I can see the deep richness of colours.
Grey on grey on grey transforms into blues and greens and a million different divine shades of them all.
My body has just laboured, and is already finding smooth function.
In those early weeks and months sources of pure joy are endless.
I am constantly smiling, even in the work of it all.
The soft sweet smell of damp grass under my feet as I peg washing on the line.
The feel of sun on my skin bringing full body delight once again.
The recoil that has disappeared.
And the pure ecstatic feeling when I discover that the sound of cracking an egg makes me feel..... nothing!
The power of coming home to a well body.
In an instant.
Coming home into the joy of being alive.
Despite all the sleeplessness and challenge that newborn land brings, there is only joy.
The deepest Contentment.
And sweet relief.
The relentless battle, finally relenting.
I am back in my body.
No longer powerless.
Reclaimed and alive.
And I can feel with every piece of me the healing way that life is allowing me to stand tall into my power.